Wednesday Morning Ponderings

Oct 24, 2007 at 9:32 AM
16 comments

Having a dog is useful. It forces you out into the bitter cold for at least an hour or two a day and this is a great time to do some thinking.This morning I pondered why I was still so bothered about what I had said last week that had potentially sounded contrary and argumentative. Maybe what I said would cause others to think less of me. Am I really so concerned with what people think of me? I asked myself. The answer, I concluded, is yes and no.

Someone who claims that they couldn't care less what anyone thinks of them is either a liar or a sociopath. I do care, to a certain extent, or I wouldn't still be obsessing over what I really need to let go of already. But I am also not willing to change who I am, deep-down. I hold the opinions I do for a reason, because in my heart I feel them to be right.

I had a therapist, a wonderful therapist, who told me we should never have to change the core of ourselves - what makes you, you. (At the time I felt like I was modifying my behaviour so much to fit a certain individual's expectations that I looked in the mirror one day and thought, who are you? I felt like I didn't even recognize myself. My therapist used the following example: Just say you like to tell jokes, but some of your jokes are off-colour and offensive. A person would be within their rights to ask you to not tell offensive jokes around them anymore, but they couldn't ask you to not tell jokes at all. They couldn't try to change that about you. But I digress.) It's not that I care particularly what individuals think, it's that I care they might be right. That is, that the flaws and negative characteristics that they perceive are real. Years ago my mum told me, and I'm paraphrasing here, to pay attention to what your enemies say about you because it's probably true.

I don't want to live my life to please other people, (and paradoxically, nobody likes people pleasers anyway). I can only be myself and I only want to be myself. I just want to be my best self.

16 comments

Comments

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Very thought provoking.

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I think we all want to be the best people we can be. But we're all works in progress. We all have shortcomings, weaknesses..whatever. But you're right - you shouldn't change the core of who you are for someone else. But I've found that other people in my life (good friends, my husband) show me things about myself that I might not have otherwise known - some good, some bad. The bad isn't so fun but I'm glad to know it so I have the choice whether or not to make a change. Anyways, you're a great person and you obviously want to be the best friend, mother, wife etc. that you can be and I think you're doing a great job!

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Very very good.

I like yourself, I mean you just like you are. Your mannerisms, your beliefs, your humor, your likes/dislikes, it makes you who you are. I, like you, used to be a people pleaser, ok, I used to be more of a people pleaser than I am now. The more I worry about other people think, the more miserable I am. So yeah, I made that about me, sorry. I think you're great, mmmmkay?

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I think it's so hard to find a good balance. I want to love myself for who I am and yet, I don't want to go around not caring at all what people think. I have to realize that I will always care what others think, and maybe that's not so bad. Other people can serve as a mirror sometimes, reflecting how the world perceives you :)

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If you can ever find that balance between not caring about what others thing vs. caring what other people think, you could bottle it, sell it, and make millions. I think the key is to be genuine enough that you know it's the real you people are seeing, but contrary enough that you know who ever doesn't like you, is clearly not worthy of you. ;)

Katie Anne and Ashley I think get at the heart of this introspection -- its all about balance. Self-confidence without arrogance. Belief without zealotry. I am not usually drawn to wishy-washy people that change their persona depending on who they're with. Blech.

That said, the number of people whose opinions I REALLY care about --- pretty small.

That's an interesting thing your mom said....I'm going to be pondering that one all day.

I think we are who we are for a reason - whatever that may be; I still haven't figured out my raison pour d'etre but I don't think that me being me, or you being you, is accidental. We all have things that we either want or need to improve on, but as you said, the core of who you are should not, and should not have to, change. If they don't accept you, you don't need 'em.

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who needs a therapist when you have a dog to walk eh???? good food for thought. That italicised part, hit the nail on the head . Me personally. I think you should never HAVE to change because another expects it of you (in any case they should be looking at what they need to change themself if they are interested in character reformation). But I do think the deepest satisfaction and happiness comes from recognising where you need to become a better "you" and then changing it. Not for another, but for yourself. Because all we will take with us from this life is who we are inside. But like you say, unless you do it sincerely because you feel it, it is just a kind of sham.

It's an interesting thing to think about. We are all probably who we are because of other people's opinions of us. I'm sure it varies from person to person how much we are affected by other's opinions, but maybe even that is learned. Is self assuredness natural or the product of people giving us good feedback to the point where we believe it? I think "who we are" is always changing, and still a product of our surroundings, but as we get older, we are less pliable and it just takes longer to change us. Looking at it that way, it makes sense that over a period of time we could be inadvertantly be becoming a different person. That could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on who we surround ourselves with, making those decisions all the more important.

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"I can only be myself and I only want to be myself. I just want to be my best self."

Ditto!

Thanks all for your thought-provoking comments. I just love you all! :)

I don't think anyone that has ever spent time with me could accuse me of either changing who I am according to who I'm with, or of being a "pleaser". I am definitely not a people pleaser. There used to be about two people in the world that I would have considered changing for, now there are none. And those that love me wouldn't want me to change anyway, but it took me a while to see that.

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Having a dog is useful. It forces you out into the bitter cold for at least an hour or two a day and this is a great time to do some thinking.

I miss having a dog. I more or less raised our family dog back when I lived with my parents still, no matter what my sisters might protest to the contrary. Walking him, playing with him and sitting with him in the backyard, was all very much a part of my "alone time".

Dogs are pack animals. Though they are described as akin to adolescent wolves (and are stuck in that pattern of behavior), their instincts were domesticated to humans comprising their packs. It drives all their behavior-- what their human alphas and betas dictate they must do. Granted, the breeding affects this, and your dog looks to be one of the large size hunting breeds that can seem really brainless at times, but the companionship is what it's all about, of course (and as you probably well know).